Dealing With Uncertainty and the Unknown
Growing up with incredible parents of faith, I learned at an early age to trust in God. There are many unknown situations in life, but when you have confidence God is with you and you are in His hands, it can give assurance that everything is going to be fine one way or another. A foundational scripture to stand on is Romans 8:28, "And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose." (NKJV) I know that I love God, and I know He has purpose and design for my life, so I can rest in that even when the future is unknown to me. And if we are honest, the future is always unknown to us.
One of the biggest trials that put this to the test was when Jamin was born. We, as most Christian parents do, prayed for our kids long before we saw their sweet little faces. Chanda entered the world without a hiccup, except she didn't want to leave the safe, warm womb and two weeks after the due date the doctor had to force her into the world. With a beautiful baby girl toddling around, what better news than to find out we would add a son to the family. We prayed this son would be healthy, smart and learn to love the Lord as we did. At the time I was youth pastor at Westside Assembly of God in El Dorado, Arkansas. On March 17, 1990, about two weeks before the due date, we had a joint youth event with First Assembly of God where we were at the mall during the day, then a service that evening at First Assembly.
Brenda, Terri's mom, was a registered nurse living in Springhill, Louisiana. The Lord spoke to her and told her Terri needed her. She drove to El Dorado to visit with Terri while I was away at the youth event and she assessed that something wasn't right. Terri was complaining about her legs hurting and she wasn't feeling good. I received a call that she was going to take Terri to the doctor, not to worry, and they would let me know what he said. They went to the hospital, being Saturday evening, and was sitting in the waiting room for quite a while. Brenda pressured them into getting her back. When the doctor examined her, Terri's blood pressure was dangerously high. The doctor said they would need to take the baby right then. I was sitting in the church service when an usher came and whispered to me that I had a phone call. I followed him to the office and received word that if I didn't get to the hospital right away I would miss the birth of my son. I got to the hospital and rode the elevator up. When the doors opened, Brenda and Travis (Terri's brother) where getting on to go down and get something from the vending machine and told me where to find Terri. As I entered the room they broke Terri's water and blood came out. Jamin's heart rate dropped to 50 bpm and they scrambled into action, literally pushing me against the wall to wheel her to surgery. In a matter of a few minutes Jamin was born and I received word that both were doing fine. The doctor informed us that if Terri had come in thirty minutes later both she and the baby would have not survived. Miracle number one. God had prompted a mother, who was a nurse, to drive an hour to see her daughter and intervene. We were thankful for an attentive, caring God who looks after His own.
Jamin was having trouble breathing, so they put him under an oxygen tent in the nursery. Sunday passed with no improvement, then Monday. On Tuesday they started doing scans and found that he had a grade four (on a scale of 1-5) hole between his left and right ventricles in his heart. He wasn't getting oxygen because the oxygenated blood was mixing with the unoxygenated blood and keeping the levels too low. On Tuesday evening they told us he would need to be flown to Children's Hospital in Little Rock for surgery to repair the whole. The helicopter, Angel One, was dispatched and our new son was on a flight to Little Rock. We were told to not go up until the next morning. We went home that night, obviously concerned about the steps ahead, but felt a calm that everything was going to be fine. Our former pastor from Haynesville First Assembly, Bro. Walter Helms, drove up and prayed with us that night. God gave us assurance that nothing was out of His hands. So we trusted Him.
Early the next morning we hurried to Children's Hospital in Little Rock, getting there around 8 am. We found our way to neonatal intensive care. A nurse escorted us to see our son, who was at the very back of a large room. As we walked through the room there was bed after bed of the saddest sights you could ever see. Premature babies that would fit in your hand, babies without limbs, babies whose mother's had been on crack and other substances. Our hearts broke for all of them. Then we approached the bed of our son who was over eight pounds, and other than being hooked up to tubes, looked like a normal, strong and healthy child. Our hearts were encouraged and again felt a sense of confidence God was going to somehow make everything alright.
We were taken to the waiting room to await a meeting with the cardiologist. Soon Dr. Moss introduced herself and led us to a hallway desk. We sat in rolling office chairs as she explained the medical situation, which had changed since we last received an assessment. She confirmed the hole between the left and right ventricle, but ended with a sobering note the hole wasn't the most serious problem. Jamin had an interupted aorta. Interrupted aortic arch is a rare congenital heart defect where the aorta has a complete break, preventing it from forming a continuous loop to the lower body. In other words, no blood can flow from the heart to the body. It is a life-threatening condition and requires immediate surgical intervention to reconnect the aorta. My first question was, "This is five days after birth. How is he still alive if no blood is flowing to his body." Enter miracle number two.
Dr. Moss explained Jamin had another condition called patent ductus arteriosus (PDA). A PDA vessel in a preborn is the normal fetal structure called the ductus arteriosus, which allows blood to bypass the lungs before birth, because the baby gets oxygen from the mother and doesn't need its own lungs. This vessel is supposed to close after birth to allow the babies lungs to take over the oxygen function, but if it doesn't, the condition is called Patent Ductus Arteriosus. PDA is common in premature babies, though rare in full term pregnancies, and can cause extra blood to flow to the lungs, potentially leading to heart and lung problems if left untreated. She began with, "We don't know why, but..." My heart was racing and I could almost feel my chair shaking beneath me. In my mind I was hearing my spirit say, "I know why! I know why!!!" She went on to say, "The PDA is positioned as a bridge over the break in the aorta allowing blood to flow around the break and supply the body." She explained the surgical procedure where they would go in and place a conduit to connect the break and was confident in the success of the surgery. You would think parents hearing such news would be at the verge of breakdown. God had revealed His hand in the whole thing and we could see Him as clear as the doctor sitting in front of us. How could we panic when God was holding our son in His very capable hands.
The surgery was a success, and recovery time in the hospital would be weeks. Terri and I were able to get a room in the adjacent McDonald House, a home with rooms where parents of children in the hospital could stay. We would spend the night in the house, but spent the whole day in the hospital. After a couple of days I had to return to work in El Dorado. This was long before the policies of extended paternity leave. Terri and Jamin were in Little Rock, I was in El Dorado, and Chanda was staying in Haynesville with my parents. It was a difficult juggle and my heart was torn for my family. Some days I would drive down and check on Chanda. Others I would make a turn-around trip to Little Rock to see Terri and Jamin. This was the routine for the next four weeks.
On Good Friday, April 13, 1990, Jamin was stable enough to go home. I picked Chanda up in Haynesville and we drove to Little Rock. After a month away from her mother it took Chanda a while to want to be held, almost as if she had felt abandoned. But the family was reunited at last. We drove home with our new son and a list of instructions for care. Jamin was still on a feeding tube as he had not started taking a bottle. To feed him we had to insert a tube in his nose and push it in until it reached his stomach, then squirt formula in with a syringe. It was an awful ordeal. Two days later was Easter Sunday and we were determined to go to church as a family to worship our Savoir who had literally saved our son and had prevented Terri's death as well. We had so much to be thankful for. But we were worried about carrying Jamin in public with the feeding tube in his nose, so we prayed over him, took the feeding tube out of his nose and went to church. When it came time for him to be fed, Terri pulled out a prepared bottle and he took the bottle for the first time. Miracle number three (or more if you add other small ones along the way.)
In December, Jamin was strong enough past his surgery to have a second surgery to repair the hole in his heart. Another prolonged time of Chanda in Haynesville, me at work, and Terri and Jamin in Children's. Christmas of 1990 would be spent together in Children's Hospital, but all went well and soon we were home as a family. Jamin would be able to resume a normal childhood. There was one looming detail. The conduit installed in Jamin's aorta was made of plastic and would not expand as he grew, so we were given a timeline of future surgeries. At seven years old he had to have another surgery to replace the conduit with a larger one. After a successful surgery we were told to expect one more surgery mid to late teens to have an adult sized conduit installed. I couldn't bear the thought of my son having to go through that again, so this father's prayer going forward would be, "God you can do all things. Make this plastic grow." Year after year we would have appointment with Dr. Moss to assess proper blood flow, and year after year Dr. Moss would say everything was fine. Teens past into 20's and Dr. Moss would eventually concede and say there would be no more need of surgery. You can believe what you want, I know plastic grew. Miracle number four+.
How do I deal with uncertainty? I take it to God in prayer. He calms the sea, He establishes my steps, He sets my mind at peace, and I can rest in Him. Jeremiah 17:7 (NLT), "Blessed are those who trust in the LORD and have made the LORD their hope and confidence." This is just one story of many I could tell of God's faithfulness to me. How could I not trust Him. How can I not believe. He has planted my feet on a rock, a stable foundation. I cannot be shaken. Psalm 16:8 (NLT), "I know the LORD is always with me. I will not be shaken, for he is right beside me. "